on a much more personal note than usual, i have decided to share something with the blogging world. i just wrote this message to a mate who i've been getting closer to lately. which is good but also a bit strange for a few reasons.. anyway he's been lovely and yeah. basically i just vented my feelings and tried to see things from a perspective i may not have considered before. but who the fuck knows anymore?
"hey im finally replying.
do you ever wonder when you fight with people, if even though you feel like your feelings are hurt - you're in the wrong? and maybe if you are, does it change the fact that youre hurting?
i mean the past 2 days have been pretty awful (due to just everything kinda being crap and being stressed and hormonal and whatnot) and ive had my feelings hurt by a few people and Im left to wonder - maybe im just overly sensitive and easily triggered. which is true. but it still makes these people inconsiderate. hopefully. otherwise i'm just a nutcase.
like yesterday there was all this dilly dally about my group going into the hotshop first and my mate christina and i were like yes?no? and then the teacher was like "ok group one lets go" so I told christina i put my phone in her bag cos i had to leg it into the studio. then we finished and i was asked to put the tech stuff away cos im good with tech stuff and when I got back xtina was gone. and i had some appointments and stuff after and she had my phone.. and i had no idea where she went. and i was hot and sweaty and wearing uncomfy (and unattractive but functional) clothes and here i was traipsing around the whole bloody campus trying to find her, whilst i had a million things to do. then i went up and borrowed a mates phone and got through to her and we met and i got my phone blah blah. but i was quite upset with her. and this sounds petty. however it felt like the pinnacle of her being a shitty friend the past few weeks, just being self-absorbed and not caring about any crap thats going on in my life despite the fact that ive been there for her so much these past few months. and it just did it for me. like yes you forgot (about the phone). But its just like her to because she doesnt consider anyone else. and its like - fuck! how can i be friends for 2 here, cos im the only one working for us?!??! so i guess i just had enough. i did apologize after i saw her (about 20 min later) for being abrupt. even then I still felt unhappy.
and the past 2 nights (including tonight) my boyfriend has managed to hurt my feelings again and felt bad and confused as a result, thinking im overreacting and that he was really not saying hurtful stuff. however, how can you wrong feelings? if im hurt - then clearly he did something hurtful, no? .. ah i dont fucking know anymore. i know I nearly killed myself today in jewellery cos i just was feeling ill and not at all together emotionally or physically and I just feel like theres about a million tons of weight im trying to juggle and am getting no help or support. theres so much shit going on and im trying to be strong for me and everyone else but at the end of the day - whos there for me?