Thursday, April 2, 2009

................................

on a much more personal note than usual, i have decided to share something with the blogging world. i just wrote this message to a mate who i've been getting closer to lately. which is good but also a bit strange for a few reasons.. anyway he's been lovely and yeah. basically i just vented my feelings and tried to see things from a perspective i may not have considered before. but who the fuck knows anymore?

"hey im finally replying.

do you ever wonder when you fight with people, if even though you feel like your feelings are hurt - you're in the wrong? and maybe if you are, does it change the fact that youre hurting?

i mean the past 2 days have been pretty awful (due to just everything kinda being crap and being stressed and hormonal and whatnot) and ive had my feelings hurt by a few people and Im left to wonder - maybe im just overly sensitive and easily triggered. which is true. but it still makes these people inconsiderate. hopefully. otherwise i'm just a nutcase.

like yesterday there was all this dilly dally about my group going into the hotshop first and my mate christina and i were like yes?no? and then the teacher was like "ok group one lets go" so I told christina i put my phone in her bag cos i had to leg it into the studio. then we finished and i was asked to put the tech stuff away cos im good with tech stuff and when I got back xtina was gone. and i had some appointments and stuff after and she had my phone.. and i had no idea where she went. and i was hot and sweaty and wearing uncomfy (and unattractive but functional) clothes and here i was traipsing around the whole bloody campus trying to find her, whilst i had a million things to do. then i went up and borrowed a mates phone and got through to her and we met and i got my phone blah blah. but i was quite upset with her. and this sounds petty. however it felt like the pinnacle of her being a shitty friend the past few weeks, just being self-absorbed and not caring about any crap thats going on in my life despite the fact that ive been there for her so much these past few months. and it just did it for me. like yes you forgot (about the phone). But its just like her to because she doesnt consider anyone else. and its like - fuck! how can i be friends for 2 here, cos im the only one working for us?!??! so i guess i just had enough. i did apologize after i saw her (about 20 min later) for being abrupt. even then I still felt unhappy.

and the past 2 nights (including tonight) my boyfriend has managed to hurt my feelings again and felt bad and confused as a result, thinking im overreacting and that he was really not saying hurtful stuff. however, how can you wrong feelings? if im hurt - then clearly he did something hurtful, no? .. ah i dont fucking know anymore. i know I nearly killed myself today in jewellery cos i just was feeling ill and not at all together emotionally or physically and I just feel like theres about a million tons of weight im trying to juggle and am getting no help or support. theres so much shit going on and im trying to be strong for me and everyone else but at the end of the day - whos there for me?

... :("

3 comments:

steph. said...

chin up love. having days/weeks/months like this sucks, but it all works out in the end. promise. being uncertain about the future also sucks, i know. let me know if/when you hear more and i will brief you on all the places you have to visit and things you have to do. like my favourtie cafe, bang og jensen, a cool bar in the scary meat-packing district, jolene, and a wonderful two-story vintage store, københavn k xx

Nadia Lavard said...

oh sweets. Is like i'm in same place at the moment. Not seeing a glorified end to it all, but god knows there is.
I believe you can provoke your feelings. You might have felt hurt when talking to Bjorn despise him not saying anything hurtfull, because you're in very intense path in life. So him being one you love deary, he's the one who can trigger all of your feelings to almost explode, and you end up feeling that it's his fault.
Honestly, I believe most woman live these quite intense lives. Hate it.
Get what trying to say?

peachpatrol said...

hello ladies - thank you for both of your concern! its funny, looking back even after a few hours/days how 'in the past' it all seems. I mean i'm totally over all that I wrote and feel silly for it, but it was so "BIG" at the time!

steph - actually it looks like I am not/can't go to Denmark anymore, but its ok I found an agreeable alternative. if you're interested in hearing the full story I'm happy to explain but its all in limbo right now so I'm just hoping i can go SOMEWHERE! I'm making calls tomorrow!

nadida - my lovely, thanks for the philosophical response. i totally got all that you said, and youre right probably all women experience this once in a while. and its funny, I think you are spot on with the boyfriend thing - how when you love someone intensely they are able to just trigger some things that turn into an avalanche, regardless of their size and matter. anyway, thankyou <3