These days I've just been feeling incredibly 'blah' and detached from everything. Its like, in order to avoid further disappointment of the world and people I have just crawled back into myself and chosen the role of the observer, the aloof detached person who sits amidst it all and yet is completely unaffected by all the hype around them. This is strange for many reasons, two of which I will bother to expand on -
1. I never had a shell. I've always been quasi shell-less. And thought people with shells were pussies. Perhaps not. Maybe I had managed to dance around the arrows people cast around themselves and I've finally been hit. Or something.
2. I've never really withdrawn from the world like this before. I've just been feeling like I can't take it anymore. So many strains of varying kinds, I wonder how much emotion can fit into such a small being?
I've been activating my "cheer myself up" project, which is basically me making little programs for myself in order to make me feel better and forget about all the crap thats going on. This takes form in gigs, such as Lisa Mitchell early last week and Blue King Brown this past friday. They were both really great. Naturally alcohol and the like also follow suit and certainly aid in forgetting life even for a little while.
I have been pushing on with my uniwork though my heart is so not in it. All these years I would see and speak to people who absolutely hated their uni and just did it due to pressure from families/society or whatever and I always wondered how on earth they could possibly do a degree they disliked so much? And whenever I was asked about mine I'd have this great smile on my face and say I love it .. and its like.. where did that joy go? Down the drain along with my grades? Most likely.
Its just been like this growing pile on top of me and its making it harder to walk, to move and grow. Like every new shovelful, whether its that of financial, emotional or whatever related just adds to this great load I have to heave around which makes me want to sleep for a thousand years or drop everything and move to Chile and live in a nomadic tribe and live off goat and curdled milk.
Another thing thats been weighing on my mind is the idea of forgetting and letting go. Whether its a living person or a memory, how do you 'train' yourself to finally set them aside, to move on?
I've been puzzled by the notion of letting go for a long time now, as its not like the act of holding on is doing you any favours.. in fact it may cause you even more pain, but the idea of parting with something or someone is even worse? I guess my question is .. is it possible to erase & rewind?
[source is the wonderful verislava]